Everything you are about to read is TRUE! I am not making any of this up! (except the part about the buttery door). This happened only moments ago so my recollection is pretty accurate still. Enjoy!
While I have been working hard lately to loose weight, I have not really been cataloging anything. That being said, from a bloated and flabby starting weight of 250, I am down to a slender 217 as of this morning. So that is 33 lbs of weight loss in the last three or four months. Not too shabby. I am currently a little over half way to my goal.
Enough on that subject.
Today I was at subway. I was sitting, slowly eating my Turkey Breast and Black Forest Ham on Honey Oat, YUM! I was sitting in such a way that I could see the people in line and I was watching them and making observations and guesses as to what they were like and what they were about. (This is just something I like to do. It is all done in my head, I'm not a crazy person, I swear!)
So the line is in front of me and the door is behind me. The little bell on the door rings and I say to myself, "here comes another one." but no one comes... I turned around to see a man buttering the door so that he can squeeze through sideways with out scraping his nipples off. He walked up to the line, and at first I gave him a fair chance.
"Maybe he's the next Jared"
I could not have been more wrong. He orders "The Feast" and as if thats not bad enough he makes it a footlong too!! For those normal people who dont know what this is, it is that sub that they have in the little display case on top of the counter that is overflowing with meat and cheese and paper lettuce.
This sub has 1180 calories (this includes cheese, but no dressings). He adds all the veggies, good for him, if you put green peppers on a bowl of lard, it doesnt make it good for you. He then gets to the part of subway that can be most dangerous for your health, The dressing station.
He looked puzzeled and scratched his stomach while he pondered the dressing that he wanted on his sandwich. We both knew what was coming, but i didn't anticipate what i heard next. Now, lets all rememebr that so far we are up to 1180 calories. This gentleman said, and I quote, "extra heavy mayo." I was far from surprised but a little grossed out. I can not attest to exactly how much "extra heavy" as I was sitting in my seat with the sandwich not in view, but I would assume it was a lot.
So, after they make your sandwich, at my subway, the delightful Indian man behind the counter says with a thick accent, "Chips and a drink, buddy?" This guy beat him to the punch. He was half way through "Chips and a..." and the guy grabs the biggest cup they have and says coarsely "I WANT AN EXTRA LARGE!"
The guy behind the counter is taken back a bit but then says, "well how bout chips?"
The guy pulls a bag of chips and says that he wants them but also wants some cookies. He proceeds to order 6 cookies. The three I remember him saying are chocolate chip, macadamia nut, and peanut butter, might have just been two of each.
This Tyrannosaurus Rex looking leviathan pays the nice Indian man a small fortune for all of this. I was eating and didnt hear the exact about but it had to be over 15 dollars. He goes and fills his extra huge 44 oz with regular coke, and walks out. of the store.
As he was walking out I managed to take a picture of him with my cell phone while pretending to text with my friends. Surely I did not look nearly as inconspicuous as I thought I did, but I did my best. I immediately sent this pic via picture message to my friends with whom I have free picture messaging. (If you wanted to be in the loop sooner, you should have had Verizon)
Now this is when it gets even funnier. I'm sitting there enjoying my sub and the apple slices I got as my side, which you see there in the picture. 5 or ten minutes go by. I'm still laughing to myself but I've moved on from it deciding that I would write this blog post when I got home. Ringalingadingdong! the door is opening again and I have a new person to watch while I eat. WRONG! It's the fat guy again. I was thinking was there something wrong, they couldn't have forgot anything, you had everything behind the counter on your sub. But that wasn't it at all. He won two cookies with his scrabble piece and wanted to collect on his winnings right now, because clearly he didn't have enough to satisfy his hunger.
I laughed and laughed, once he left. (what a lunch)
Every story should have a moral, so to conclude I would first like to say, SHAME ON YOU... Subway!
You have failed a man in more ways than one. You are supposed to be a healthy alternative to fast food, well NOT today! And then, as if that wasn't enough, when you failed to be healthy you couldn't even satisfy! SHAME ON YOU.
Secondly, I cant help but wonder, since fat people are allowed to make fun of and laugh at other fat people (without worry of offence), am I out of order here? I'm not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I dont consider myself "Fat" anymore. After relegation from "oh god, look at that guy!!!" to "pleasntly plump" am I still allowed to laugh? As I continue to loose weight and arrive at my goal weight of, "thin and fit" will my unfortunate spell in the "fat light" grant me the right to poke fun even when I'm skinny? I sure hope so.
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